Remember how my baby was sleeping through the night? Or, at least, doing something that resembled sleeping through the night considering there was still a feeding taking place between 3-5 AM before she woke for the day somewhere between 5-6 AM. Yeah, that kind of sleeping is not happening anymore.
I knew she (and therefore we) would get off course with sleeping on our trip. I wasn't comfortable letting her fuss even a little bit in California. Partly because the sleep books don't recommend it and partly because the walls were so paper thin at our hotel that I hated the idea of anyone else waking up from my sleeping baby. So this meant I was getting up every 2-3 hours with Bella, letting her comfort nurse in a chair that smelled disconcertingly like the ghost of boyfriend past (hello, Aqua di Gio, long time no smell!). Each of those nursing sessions seemed to go on for 20-30 minutes as she would cry each time I tried to put her back down. Eventually, I would give up at some point in the night and bring her into bed with us, at least so I could lie down and get something that resembled sleep.
So I was tired from our trip, but that is nothing compared to now as we have had to start over from square one with sleep training. The sleep books imply that it will be an easy-peasy thing to get your baby back on track; just one or two days of night wakings and then you'll be back in business. However, the sleep training books also say that babies sleep very heavily their last couple hours of sleep and THAT certainly isn't the case when it comes to Bella. So here we are, day four of re-sleep training and I am wide awake at 4 in the morning, finally giving up on my sleep after getting in and out of bed four times having to check on the decidedly NOT sleeping Bella.
To anyone who judges me sleep training, you should know that I judge myself even more. Everything about letting her cry, even if it is at short intervals, puts my nerves on edge. My brain is shouting at me, "WRONG, WRONG, WRONG" and "BAD, BAD, BAD". Dr. Sears wasn't accurate when he said that parents who sleep train go down a slippery slope to ignoring their babies needs as they become immune to hearing their babies cry. I am anything but immune to it. I wish I didn't have to sleep train, but I have a baby who will happily wake up several times each night. I don't have it in me to wake up with her that often, nor do I think it is in her best interest. So we sleep train. And it sucks.
I knew being a parent meant signing up for being exhausted. I got that. But why, then, do I feel like it's so unfair to be so damn exhausted all the time? Is everyone else this tired? And WHY in the hell do I think having a second child would be a good thing?